How to meet people at parties; The Skyhook | As The Crowe Flies | Episode 11

Vance Crowe [00:00:00] As the glow flies on the Van Glow Podcast, Welcome back to the podcast. I'm glad you're here. On Fridays, I sit down to share some thoughts, philosophies, concepts, things that can help you become a tangibly better communicator. And this week I'm thinking about all of the holiday parties that are coming up, and you're gonna have to meet a lot of people. And you may be asking yourself, is there a better way? A way that I can consistently have good conversations, better interactions with people that we have more fun at parties? And this got me thinking about my old friend court, Winneke, longtime listeners of the podcast know that I was a deckhand on an ecotourism ship, and there was a guy on this ship that was one of the coolest people I've ever met. He was a MacGyver in the engine room, so if something would break, he could fix it with a potato, a crescent wrench, and a piece of gum and things would be back up and running. But in addition to his incredible skill and his competence at pretty much everything he did, he had a leather jacket and rode a motorcycle. And I thought he was one of the most amazing, fun, exciting people that I'd ever been around court. And I developed a really good friendship. And for the first time in my life when I was going out to bars out in the real world, I started having a blast a way better time than I think most people were having now. Sure, I had been in college and I'd gone to college parties and college bars, but there's something that's different. When you have a pocket full of money that's yours and you're going out and trying to meet people in an environment where they're not in college, you don't necessarily have the same reasons for being at this bar.

Vance Crowe [00:01:35] And so court and I, because we were deckhands on this ship, would go to pubs and bars all up and down the west coast of United States, Mexico, central America, and even into the Caribbean. We had a blast everywhere we went, and I absolutely loved spending time with court. We became such good friends that we ultimately went into business together and we bought a house and renovated it and sold it in Denver, Colorado. And later when I came back from the Peace Corps court was the guy that had bought the old wooden yacht that had had a fire on it that we then took up to Mendocino, California to restore. So court and I have been in all of these different environments and we've gone out and partied and we have had a wild good time, stuff that I am quite glad digital cameras weren't around for back when we were younger. Now, the thing that was really fascinating about court was after we'd gone out a few times, I noticed that he was the life of the party. People loved being around him. They would seek him out and try and make eye contact with him after he'd met them for the first time. And I always thought that he had some kind of magical gift or some sort of charisma that was just not something I would ever be able to develop. I was an outgoing person, but nothing like this. People went way out of their way to give court their phone number to try and make sure they could meet up again, and they'd put their arm around him and wanna spend time with him. It was really surreal. And if you watch somebody have this level of adulation where people all wanna be around them, you wanna figure out, how can I do that? What can I learn from that?

Vance Crowe [00:03:06] So after court and I have lived together for several years and spent all this time together, we eventually part ways, I go onto graduate school just outside of New York City and what should be a great place for me to be hitting the bar scene and partying and going out. Turns out it was lame and boring and I almost never got invited out to after parties, and we didn't really go to do exciting things. Now granted, I was in grad school, I probably should have been studying, but I was also in the hottest city in the world, New York City, and I should have been having a great time, but I wasn't. And so I called up court and I started to complain to him. Now, court doesn't actually usually let me complain too much. So I imagined that I was gonna get smacked in the face and say, Hey, you know, you gotta suck it up and go start making friends and be happier and it'll all work out. But he didn't say that instead he said, yeah, I know what you're saying. I actually haven't been having that much fun lately either. That caught me totally off guard. I was shocked by that, I mean, court was the life of the party. Everywhere he went, people wanted to be around him. What do you mean you haven't been having fun either? And so I asked him, what do you mean? And he says, I don't have anybody to introduce anymore. And so it's not as much fun in that exact moment. Everything clicked into perfect clarity for me. After the first few times that court and I went out and got to know each other, he had been using me to be able to introduce other people and really stimulate conversations so that people all felt great about being there, including me.

Vance Crowe [00:04:37] And so I wanna talk with you about what he was doing and be really specific about how he did it so that you too can learn how to be that gregarious person at a party. You don't have to take it to courts extreme and don't imagine that you're going to suddenly be hitting to all the fun hot after parties, but just think about getting a little bit better at introducing yourself at these parties or working with a wingman to generate more energy for a party so that everybody has a good time. So what court we do, after we'd met the host and gotten to say our initial hellos, we would split apart. I would just start talking with other people and he would find somebody that he was interested in what they were saying, and he would start asking them questions. And there's a funny thing that happens when you first start talking with somebody. Whenever somebody is introducing themself or talking about where they work or where they're from, they will almost always add some added extra detail into their story that doesn't need to be there, but should serve as a clue that there's something more that they wanna talk about in this area. So for example, somebody might say, well, before I was living in California, but then I moved out to this other place. Now they've added in a piece of information that maybe wasn't all that important to the story, but it should signal to you that they want to talk about living in California. They brought it up. And so court would say, wait, you were living in California. What were you doing there? And then they will start going down that part of the story. And as you hear more and more, they'll throw in some added detail that doesn't have to be there to make the story make sense, but they're putting it there because they're hoping even if it's only subconsciously that you'll ask about it.

Vance Crowe [00:06:12] So court would keep following these added details that people would put in there and pursuing it so that he could find more and more interesting things that they would wanna say. And then eventually he would hit a point where they would say something that would click off in his mind, Hey, I can make a connection between what you are telling me about and my friend Vance. And so at that point he would say, oh my gosh, I have got to go find my friend Vance. He is going to love talking with you. And he would quickly run off, find me and bring me back and say, Vance Vance, you've gotta talk with this person. They are into wilderness survival. And I know that you were a boy scout as a kid, and I knew you'd wanna find out more about how they got into wilderness survival. And boom, we would then start kicking off a great conversation and court would now be watching this and be able to make the decision, do I wanna stay here and help that conversation keep going? Or because I've introduced this person, can I move on and go find other people? It really didn't matter what he did because for the person that he had just been speaking with, he had done a great kindness. He had found something that they were interested in and excited about, and he reacted and gave them positive feedback about something that they shared with him. This is why we call it the sky hook, because what court is in effect doing is he's taking a person and he's lifting them up and saying, let me show you why this person is interesting and worth talking to. And by doing that, by being interested in another person, well, they look at him and say, well, you're interested in the most interesting thing in the world, and that's me.

Vance Crowe [00:07:44] So they lift him up and say, this guy court is also interesting. It lifts two people up in a great and genuine way, and it's a totally worthwhile exercise. And it was something that court was doing for me to introduce me to all these other people and give me an on-ramp to talk with them. So if I were gonna break this down into three simple steps, I would say at first goes listen, try and find what that added extra detail is that they're sharing, and use that as a door to try and find more and more interesting things. And eventually you will find things that are so interesting that you wanna share it with somebody else. The second stage is when he would react to what they were saying. You know when people are sharing something with you, particularly if it's something that's important to them, they're watching your face trying to figure out how does this person like what I'm saying? How are they reacting to it? So the more that you can smile when they tell you something interesting, nod, when they're telling you about things that you like and laugh, when they tell you something that's important to them and is something you hadn't thought of before, they will know, I can keep giving this person these types of information and they'll like it. That reaction is what will get them to open up more and more. And then third, you should create an on-ramp for another person. That's why the sky hook works so well. It's not just that you are interested and you're excited about it and you're reacting, but that you go find another person and bring them to the conversation and give them an on-ramp into the most interesting thing that this other person has told you about. Likely that will also be one of the most exciting things that this person likes talking about by focusing on helping another person have an on-ramp, you've created energy in that party that wasn't there before.

Vance Crowe [00:09:23] And if you give court enough time, 30, 45 minutes before you know it, everyone will be talking with one another and everyone will be excited that court was there. You can learn how to do this. It's just gonna take a little bit of practice. There are three things that you should be mindful of when you're doing the sky hook. The first watch out is to be careful when you're creating that on-ramp. You never want there to be some weird feeling of competition. So for example, if you found out somebody was a high school basketball star, you don't wanna go looking to say, Hey, let me go find my friend that is a college basketball star or a former professional player and he'll be so interested in hearing about your high school pursuits. It's gotta be a match. And you wanna find a way to make sure that this person knows that the skill that you're introducing them for is something that they should be proud of and that they're at a good level. The second call out is really subtle, but it makes a huge difference. If you decide that you're gonna introduce this person to somebody else, you wanna avoid the phrase, I'm gonna go get my friend. You are going to love them, because really, you don't know if this person is going to love the person you're about to introduce them to. And when you say that you're starting some cognitive dissonance in this other person, and if they're shy or reserved about who they are or meeting new people, that creates a confrontation a a situation where they may not be the most comfortable. So instead, the subtle change is to say, I'm gonna go get my friend. They are going to really like what you have to say. They are going to be really interested in you. They are going to love you. Now, this subtle difference makes it so the person already feels accepted and that they know what's coming and that they don't have to be nervous about it.

Vance Crowe [00:10:58] And there's really very little difference between those two statements. But if you make sure that they know the person I'm bringing is going to be excited about you, it will make them more comfortable and more excited when you start to make that on-ramp of a connection. Finally, the third watch out. Once you start this process of sky hooking with another person, you can't leave it until you've seen it all the way through. And I know that sometimes you start a conversation in the person you're talking with seems really boring, or they seem self-centered, or they seem like they're not really paying as much attention to you as you would like, but that's okay. The only thing you can control in a conversation is what you do. And if you are talking with somebody and you can't find a way for them to tell you something interesting, it's something wrong that you are doing. Everyone, everyone, everyone is interesting. And if you find a way to open it up and figure out what it is that they have to say that is interesting underneath all of their awkwardness and long stories and inability to get to the point, then you'll get to bedrock. And that bedrock is a foundation that you can build a friendship or a relationship or at a minimum, help them to have a better time at a party so that you have a better time at a party. But once you start this engagement, once you start paying attention and probing and asking questions, you can't leave until you see that all the way through court maybe saw other people that were excited to see him at a party or at a bar, and maybe there were people coming around saying, Hey, we're heading out to this other exciting new thing that we're gonna go do. Do you wanna come? He always had to have the patience and the humility to see through the conversation with the person that he was engaged with because if you start engaging with a person and you get them to open up and you leave it prematurely, that is going to leave them with a really bitter taste in their mouth and it will have the opposite impact of what you wanna have, which is to get them to open up and be excited and share with you things that are interesting.

Vance Crowe [00:12:50] So once you start this process of sky hooking, make sure you see it all the way through. I hope that you use this process and I know that I am asking you to use a skill that you can only practice in a live environment out in the real world, but we got lots of parties coming up over this holiday season and there's lots of chances for you to try it and see what works and what doesn't. And speaking of which, if you are trying these new skills, then I cannot recommend highly enough that you put it down in your journal. I got a new journal from my wife this week for my birthday, and I am super excited about trying to add a new journal into my life that is a big thick tome. It's really heavy. And I think what I'm gonna start doing is once a week or maybe once every two weeks, writing down the sacrifice that I'm working on, the thing that I'm trying to get better on for the future. And I imagine that if I had this for 10, 20, 50 years, I could fill up that entire book of sacrifices that I tried to make. What went well, what didn't, and how did it change my life? And you can do that with skills like, hey, I tried to use this skyhook technique to meet other people, to be interested in them and to create an on-ramp. And by writing it down, it'll help you improve your skills a lot more. Finally, my buddy Rob Long Planti Animals on Twitter also gave me a really fascinating pen that writes really well. And this got me thinking about the journal a little bit more. If you really wanna go deep on this journaling, you first start by being consistent, write regularly, then you start really thinking about what is it that I wanna write down?

Vance Crowe [00:14:24] What is it that I want to capture? And after you started to get that under control, then you wanna start thinking, how can I make this more beautiful? How can I make this something that I cherish and I put time and energy into so that the more beauty that I try to put into it, the more beauty I will have when it's finished? I love doing this journaling, and I am loving hearing from you guys about putting your thoughts down and how much it's helping you. This has been great, and if you wanna share more with me, make sure you do it at Vance Crowe on Twitter. If you are interested in learning about my man court, the coolest guy that I have ever met, the MacGyver of ships engineers, then I hope you check out lin mar yacht.com. People rent it out for corporate parties, for bachelor parties, for all sorts of things. It is the coolest ship in the world. And if you wanna see a big part of my life, go check out lin mar yacht.com. That was a project that I loved working on with my buddy court, so he did not pay me. I didn't even tell him I was gonna do this. I'm just going to publish it, and then he's gonna have to deal with me giving away all of his secrets. But I hope that you learned a lot from this episode of As the Crow Flies, and we will be back on Wednesday with an interview with an expert that we can all learn from. Thanks.