How to keep conversation going, when you can't think of a question

Vance Crowe [00:00:00] He's like, I'd kill a man for a filter less palm, all but glad he wouldn't like it, so I'm not gonna do it. And you're out there buying Camel lights. This is the Man's cool podcast bonus episode. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm glad you're here. On Fridays, I sit down to share some thoughts, tactics, philosophies that can help you become a tangibly better communicator. And this week I am thinking about conversation skills. And specifically what I wanna talk about is how to keep a conversation moving forward. You know, I was talking with my wife the other day and she was saying, I have a real problem. If I am listening to a person tell me something that they care about, we've just started a conversation and they're talking. If I pay attention to exactly what they're saying, then when they end at the end of their sentence or at the end of their phrase, I haven't been thinking of a question, and so the conversation just kind of drops off. But if instead I'm sitting there not listening to them and I'm thinking of a question, then whenever they finish their sentence and I ask that question, it's divorced from what they were just saying. And so it seems like I wasn't paying attention and, and it gets weird and awkward, and I don't like that, and I don't know what to do. And so I thought about this for a little while and I realized I don't really have that problem, but it's not because I'm quicker on my feet than Annie. She is a former aerospace engineer, turned elite physical therapist. So what is it?

Vance Crowe [00:01:31] Why is it that I don't have that same problem of the ball dropping? And I started asking around with some of my other friends, and they have voiced similar concerns. They say, yes, I have the same problem. I'm either fully invested in what they're saying, or I'm thinking about a question. How do I bridge that divide? It always seems like that's why the conversation drops off. And so I thought about this for a while, and I wondered to myself, why is it that that doesn't happen to me? And I realized that I have a phrase that I pull out of my pocket anytime somebody is telling me something that's really important to them, and I pull it out and I use it, and it works every time to keep the conversation going. And actually it gets them to reveal even more interesting things to me. It allows me to be fully invested in what they're saying and find out even more about why they think that or how they came to those conclusions. But before I tell you what that phrase is, I think I should tell you how I learned that phrase, because the story might stick with you because I know it's what made it an indelible phrase in my vocabulary. When I was in high school, I had this teacher named Mr. Simmons. Now, Mr. Simmons could have been pulled right out of central casting of the 1950s and dropped into a modern day school. Mr. Simmons had a tight cropped haircut, and he had been in the Marines. He had this bright, rosy face. And anytime you talked with him, he had this gruff no nonsense attitude.

Vance Crowe [00:03:02] And he was always giving people a hard time, but we all loved him. I can even remember a time when one of my teammates on the football team got caught smoking cigarettes. He, he got caught actually buying cigarettes. And the next day in class, Mr. Simmons had heard about it. And so he, he points at the teammate Pete, and he says, Pete, I heard you got caught buying a pack of cigarettes. What were you buying? And Pete looked around sheepishly and, and he said, wow. I was, I was buying camel lights. And Mr. Simmons gets this look of complete disgust, just absolute starts shaking his head. And he, he's just, oh, I just, ugh. He's like, I'd kill a man for a filter less palm, all but glad he wouldn't like it, so I'm not gonna do it. And you're out there buying camel lights. So we were just a bunch of kids, like what? He would kill a man for a cigarette. And, but that was just the kind of guy that he was. He had this kind of brash personality. And you know, we knew he loved his wife. He was a family man. But it was, it was just, it was funny and it was quintessential Mr. Simmons. But that is why there was a day when he came into history class. I had him for economics and I also had him for American history. And he came into history class. And I can remember that he had been going through a rough time. I think somebody had passed away in his life or something had happened with his family. And, and I think everybody knew that he was going through a rough time, and it would've just been one of those unsaid things.

Vance Crowe [00:04:35] But he walks down into the classroom, this is in one of those auditoriums, and he, instead of starting his lesson, he starts in on this rant. And at first we kind of all thought he was being crazy. We didn't know what was going on. But he starts talking about one day you may have children, you may have a little girl or a little boy, you'll be a mother or a father one day that may happen for you. And if on that day that happens, you have a child that draws a picture and they come up to you and they're very excited about that picture that they're drawing. And I, I don't mean to be this harsh into the microphone, I'm just trying to give you an example of how this was coming off to these juniors in high school. He said, they're gonna come to you and they're gonna hold up that picture and they're gonna say, mommy, mommy or daddy, daddy, look at this picture. And if you look down at that child and you ask them, what is it? You have failed? And we are sitting there shellshocked. You know, when you're a junior in high school, you are not thinking about having children or the fact that the child may someday draw a picture and show it to you or what you're going to be reacting. So we're all just kind of sitting there completely shellshocked. And he said, you know what? You should say instead, when that child holds up that painting to you or that picture, and you don't have any idea what it says or what it means, you should say to them, oh, well, tell me about it and that'll make that little child's day anyway, open up your books to page 97.

Vance Crowe [00:06:16] And we were all like, what has just happened? What is going on? What is he talking about? And I remember just being like, all right, well, you know, just open up your book. Like let's just move forward. Like this never happened. But now I look back on that moment and I'm so grateful that he gave that example and that he was so harsh, and I don't know what was going on in his head or in his world or in his life that made him say that. But I have since done that hundreds, if not thousands of times with kids of friends that I know, or kids that you meet in, in just the everyday world. And when they hold something up to you and they tell you, Hey, look at this, and it's something you have no idea what's going on. If instead of saying, what is it you say, tell me about it. You can watch their face light up. They love it. You've just given them the one thing that they want most, which is attention. And you've told them, I'm interested in learning more. But the crazy thing is that phrase tell me about, it works with adults too. And it works in all of those conversations where you've started a conversation up and you've, you've asked somebody, you know, how are you connected with the bride and groom? Or what, what, what do you do for a living? Whatever it is that they tell you about, you don't have to sit there and say, okay, I gotta be thinking of another clever question. I don't have a limitless box of questions behind me. I'm just listening to what somebody is saying.

Vance Crowe [00:07:47] And when they get done, I invite them to tell me more about it. And that invitation is a signal to them that I'm paying attention, that I'm curious, and that I want to know more. And you would not believe how much people will open up to you if you ask them to tell you more about it. This is not a complicated thing. It's not even something that will make you feel uncomfortable when you're doing it. You can pull it out at any time. And I'm so glad you listened to it in this story, because I hope you can feel that level of shell-shocked emotion that we did because it punched it into my mind. And now I use it all the time, not not just in my work or when I'm at weddings. I use it in the podcast. In fact, I'm probably giving away one of my super secrets about why people have been having such amazing conversations with me over the last 22 interviews. It's because in some way, I am always asking people to tell me more about it. And you'll, you'll hear it if you're listening for it now. So I'm gonna wrap up. I have so much to do. I am giving a, a big talk tomorrow at the Cooperative Communicators Conference here in St. Louis. Then I will be jet setting off to the University of Florida next week. I'll be in Kansas City the week after that. And then South Dakota State University. So I am filling up with talks. I have a lot of exciting and interesting things. I'll be talking about how to have better conversations with people.

Vance Crowe [00:09:19] I'll be talking about why others become overconfident in what they believe and what you can do when you get into a disagreement and the other person thinks they know more than they actually do on a subject. And I'll be talking about what are the culture changes that are going on in society that in different industry groups and companies and organizations should be preparing for. If you'd like to learn more about some of the talks I give, just visit Vance Crowe dot com. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, there's two things that I hope you'll do. One, and I heard this on the M-F-C-E-O podcast where he said, if you like this, bring a friend. And I really liked that. I, I really feel like that's a great way to share the podcast. If you're finding value in this, think of a friend that you're close with that you think that they would also find value in it. Send them a letter and email and say, Hey, I thought of you during this podcast and I wanted you to listen to it or check it out. So just check it out and bring a friend, because this podcast keeps getting better and better as more people are getting involved. I get more notes, I get more ideas, and I'd really love it if you would bring a friend. And then the second thing that you can do is send me more notes about what bonus episode topics you would like me to cover. What are problems that you face? What are challenges or situations that you've been in and you want me to give my take on how I would handle it? I would love to do that. One of the hardest things to getting these podcasts out the door is thinking of a question that is relevant and important, and that I have something interesting to say about it.

Vance Crowe [00:10:54] So the more questions you ask me, and you can always either put them on the Facebook page at the Vance Crow Podcast Facebook page, or just know that I love, love, love Twitter. So I am at Vance Crowe. I'll be needing lots of Twitter time because I'll be doing so much traveling. So I'm gonna sign off for now. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back on Wednesday with artist Heather Hay Mart, who talks all about discipline, creativity, how to generate emotion over and over and over again, and how she makes sure she can input joy into her paintings and into the world. So that is a really interesting conversation, and I hope you'll join me on Wednesday. So that's it for now.